Heartache

My brother is dead. My brother in Christ, Jared Johansen passed away a couple of weeks ago. We were missionaries together. He & I were not companions, but we still got the opportunity to go on exchanges and spend time with one another.

When I heard about his passing I searched my missionary journal to find how I felt about him at the time. I commended this Elder Johansen for being intelligent, spiritual & a joy to be around. That was a rare & special thing for me to say at the time.

I have a knowledge of the plan of salvation, and death is a part of that plan. I understand that. I have a much harder time understanding how this happens to a man who isn't even thirty years old yet, who was in excellent physical shape. I mainly struggle with the fact that he has left his wife behind with his 17 month old daughter & his daughter who was born only a few short days ago.

I can handle his passing, but my heart is stomped on & I find myself crying every single time I think about who he has left behind.

I read a story today written by a friend of Jared's, who had personal insight into his final days on Earth. I'll leave a link at the bottom so you can read it too. I promise that God lives and loves each one of us. Families can be eternal. Jared's family will be taken care of, and they will be together again.

I love my family.

Forever Changed

Start Over

I just quit my job. I'm not scared. I've learned my lesson, this time around I've got a new job to go to first. I'm not scared, I am a little uncomfortable when I think about it though.

Halliburton paid me very well, usually. I was by no means a millionaire, but I did realize that debt was going away, while I was simultaneously worrying less & less about what things cost. I must admit it was feeling pretty good, like I was being lured into a lifestyle that isn't meant for me.

The downside to my job was the schedule. 15 days on, and then 6 off. That meant perhaps not even seeing my wife & son for 2 weeks at a time, and only getting to church every third Sunday. As a result, I haven't had a calling or spoken in church in close to two years. Add to this that during those 15 days I was surrounded by those who delighted in all manner of idolatry & pleasures of the flesh. After a few jarring experiences regarding my testimony, my family, & my personal health I began to pray for a way out.

I asked daily for some kind of path to be lit before me, knowing that a cleaner environment with more time at home & church is what the Lord would want of me. During a friendly conversation at the Priesthood session of this most recent General Conference my desires came up, and a job opening was pointed out to me. I've since taken the steps of a resume & interview, and now the job is mine.

The uncomfortable part is that the money isn't going to be as good. The nice part is that the environment will be less, umm, "Sodom & Gomorrah"ish, I will be home on Sundays much more often, and I will be home with my family most nights. The money isn't even really an issue, I was promised in my Patriarchal Blessing that I would always be able to provide for my family if I remain faithful, money is just nice to have & a great temptation tool of the adversary.

Halliburton kept me from a lot of what I hold dear, but I am not bitter towards them. That company filled a need a had, and never told me any different from what it was actually like. In fact, I'm thankful. Being away from my son forced me to never take for granted the time we have together, and I really feel like a better father because of it.

Let's be clear though, I still don't recommend this career path to anybody.

It's bliss, isn't it?

I should start by defining what home teachers are. Not just for someone who might read this that isn't a Mormon, but I used to be in the Elder's Quorum Presidency & have seen the percentage of how much actually gets done, so there are probably lots of Mormons who are a bit foggy on what these mysterious "Home Teachers" are. In a nut shell, men are paired up & given 3-5 families to go visit once a month. These visits help to offer assistance to needs that the family might have, they also serve to uplift & strengthen the home.

For the first time in a dog's age I have home teachers in my house on a regular basis. I don't necessarily see both of them together at the same time, but they do both put in the effort to fulfill their callings & my family is grateful for that. Cory came over last month, and in conversation he was able to articulate to me something that I've felt for years now. He said that the only thing he missed about not being a member of the church was the ignorance. He missed the feeling that it didn't matter if he slept in on a Sunday.

My coworkers do not understand when I tell them that I don't miss alcohol, or drugs, or any number of the sinful aspects of my past. I promise that I don't. What I do miss though is how nothing really mattered. There were no eternal consequences. Everything seems different now because I have been endowed with the knowledge that this life is our time to prepare to meet God. Life is the test, and every choice I make influences where I stand with the Lord. Is this being kind? Is this being a good representative of the church? Is this in harmony with the Gospel Principles?

It almost sounds like a bad thing, but it's not. There is just no standing still, you are either getting closer or farther away. The best athletes in the world don't complain about training because it helps them achieve excellence, so I sure won't complain about having a mindset that has gotten me to a much better place than I'd have been without it.

One thing the leadership of the church has asked, is that we refrain from R rated movies. The school of thought here is that we can't control what others do or say around us, but we can control the media we take in, so let's not let filth into our minds any more than we have to. Rob Veinot committed me a few years ago to not watch R rated movies, so I don't. I am "safe" in the world of PG-13, until someone said that it's totally cool to still say one F word without getting that R rating, so make sure to throw it in even if it's totally out of place with what's going on.... oh, go ahead & say S%&# in PG-13 movies as much as you like.

So the S word is everywhere, movies, the CBC, rock music, and I'm told it's also on the walls in Bob Sagat's bathroom. My friends say it, my Mormon friends say it, I'd had enough. Last night in my truck on a ten hour drive I decided that I'd just let my guard down & go for it. ...I couldn't do it. My mind has been trained & it's just not possible for my lips anymore.

I'm not being preachy, because I've got a lot of improving to do. I'm just happy that on that drive I climbed a little closer when I could have slipped a little further away.

Read This, then Proceed to Read That

I'm not going to gush, but maybe I could. I read a lot of people gushing about their testimonies & although that's great, I'd rather tell you in person. I will however, admit that my personal testimony gas tank is close to brimming tonight, and that feels great. I'll attribute this feeling primarily to heathens, also called co-workers.

We spend a lot of time together, about 14 to 15 hours a day. I don't preach, but my example sets myself apart from most, so maybe in an attempt at soothing their own consciences, my beliefs are "discussed". When I say discussed, I mean light heartedly ridiculed. Questions are posed in a mocking way, and the fact that I am able to clearly answer the questions offends some, so one or two will argue with their own twisted skew of what Christianity is supposed to teach. Their viewpoints include stories that never occurred that were told to them when they were very young, or the philosophies of that guy who said the rapture was going to happen a few months ago (until it didn't, now he's saying October if you're keeping track).

I'm more than slightly irked on the matter, because I take my faith seriously, and I have actually studied it. One fellow stated the rather Catholic philosophy that it doesn't matter what he does in this life because he can repent on his death bed & everything will be fine. Any Latter-Day Saint worth their salt knows that you cannot say this, because this life is in fact our time to prepare to meet God, and purposefully putting off your repentance until your deathbed would be like showing up for Final Exams without ever having sat in on a lecture or cracked a text book. My argument was dismissed because it came from the Book of Mormon. Well fellas, I'm trying here & it's your salvation on the line. I got all upset about it, and when I thought about why, it's because I'm more sure of the truthfulness of the gospel than I am of anything else. So that's comforting.

My testimony has also been boosted tonight thanks to the good old Doctrine & Covenants. I'm reading it, and I've always looked at it like a mine field: Some good stuff, some umm… less exciting. Likewise there are dozens of short little sections that you can breeze through, and then there are some massive iceberg sized sections (D&C 76 & 84, I'm looking at you). Tonight was one of the big ones.

I read the first 31 verses of the one hundred & forty one verse behemoth known as D&C 88 last night. As I soldiered on tonight, I was swept up & simultaneously blown away by the things that were said. 35, 49, 63 & 83 seemed fitting to how I'd been feeling. There were dozens of verses that were the genesis for so many principles taught in the Church today. Then I found a verse that made it clear on why we should kneel to pray, now I'm a person who is a lot more easily entreated to do something when I know why it is that I'm doing it, so this is a great motivation to not just pray once I'm already in the bed.

Then there is the passage that makes me think of Jason, mainly because he grabbed my scriptures and highlighted the verse with his name next to it. Jason, thank you. You saved my life & I owe my family to your all of your efforts. I love you, brother.

Oh No, Heaven!

I had an epiphany today on the way to work. Epiphanies are great aren't they? Suddenly your eyes are opened to a whole new perspective and your perception of of a person, place, or concept is totally turned around. In a spiritual sense, epiphanies are revelation: Realizations of greater truth through the influence of the Holy Ghost. A difference though is that revelation is more of us remembering something that was long ago forgotten, rather than figuring something out for the first time.

So which one did I experience today? I suppose that it's six in one & a half dozen in the other, because all that's important is what I thought, and not how it should be defined. In fact, the only time I see the definitions of instances like this mattering at all would be when one chooses to deny God's hand in something & supposes that all was accomplished in their own strength.

To better understand my new found perspective, I suppose that I should fill you in on how I had previously felt about heaven. Yes it its a place where we'll have knowledge, eternal families, and live in the presence of God & Jesus. That's all great, and it's al stuff we learn before ever choosing to be baptized, it was the next round of details that had me concerned.

I remember as clearly as anything the disappointment I felt as a new member of the Church after having a discussion with Gerry Webster (my bishop at the time) about eternal progression. The very 'Mormon' concept that there is still learning, growth, and much to do in the Celestial Kingdom. Work!? Are you kidding me? Whatever happened to sitting pool side, sipping on a Mai Tai? Oh no way, I didn't want to keep working forever, especially after working this whole life. Would there at least be Summer Vacation?

My position on the matter softened after coming more to a realization of what that work entails, and I was softened even more later on by the love I have for my wife and son. Still though…work?

So here we are, on the ride to work this afternoon I'm having a discussion with a slightly unsavoury coworker, who is having a remote starter installed in his work truck. It wasn't so much a proclamation of joy on his part as it was a declaration of his hatred for getting up extra early on -40 degree mornings to go out and start the vehicle. We all hate that. I hate that. Then something funny happened.

In a very short instant I felt all the distain I have towards those negative aspects of every job I've ever had. That's when I realized that my eternal labours won't have any of those things. No 4am alarm clocks. No unfair treatment or long periods away from home. No frozen extremities or sore bones. No breakneck schedules or angry customers. Not even any forearm burns from the doughnut frier! (I used to be a baker). Yes we'll be working in a sense, but not by the sweat of our brows, and even more importantly the work will be doing will be what we love.

It's now a commonly held belief that a key to happiness in life is having a job you love. So since I'm going to love what will be keeping me busy, I'm going to be as happy as a clam forever. Come to think of it, not doing anything gets really boring really fast. Sitting poolside for eternity with a fruity drink in your hand and nothing to do would be maddening, and weirdly now seems like a better picture of Hell than Heaven.

So buck up, we've got work to do & it's going to be fantastic.

What's Apropriate

One of my very biggest fears is to be called a racist, especially in front of someone of a different ethnicity. The title of racist brings so many negative connotations along with it, like hatred & idiocy. The worst part is that once someone puts a label like that on you, it can't really be disproven. Being tolerant and loving is great, but that doesn't yield the immediate results & relief I'd be looking for. That's why it's such a scary prospect to me. I felt the need to mention this because of how it closely parallels with another big fear of mine, being labelled an Ogre.

My relationship with my wife is a far cry from "I wear the pants". If anything I struggle with just getting her to listen to me when her mind is made up. I am however charged with being our family's priesthood holder, and I find that to be a really undesirable thing when I need to mention some element of correction for righteousness' sake. I'm put in the position of being a partner with someone, but also given a stewardship over them to make sure that as a family we are striving to live up to God's commandments as we have been given them. Being labeled an Ogre then would imply that I am not only unkind, but also exercising unrighteous dominion for my own selfish purposes.

My wife & I are going to Jamaica next week to see her sister get married. In the months leading up to now she has lost an extraordinary amount of weight, and subsequently looks the best she ever has. This fact has cultivated a desire in her to purchase dresses & outfits she never would have before dared to. The problem now is garments.

"Garments", if you're not familiar with the term, are like undershirts for Mormons. It's something that most members choose to wear as an outward reminder of an inward commitment to follow God. It also serves the purpose of maintaining the Church's standard of modesty in how we dress. Those who wear garments have committed to God that they will always wear them, with the exceptions of when it just isn't possible, like bathing, swimming, or those "special times" between a man & his wife.

So now my wife wants to wear outfits that would prohibit her from following this commandment that she has promised to live. I can't say no, because then she would have lost her freedom to choose on the matter & most likely carry some resentment towards me. I'm forced to take on the "Priesthood Holder" role instead & try my best to encourage her to make the right decision. She wasn't happy. I encouraged her to pray about it & she flat out refused because "there's no way that Heavenly Father would give [her] the go ahead on that." I did a pretty good job during the conversation, with the exception of one phrase that came back to haunt me the next day.

"as the Patriarch of our family…" was what was repeated to all of the sweet sisters in our ward the following morning at church. I sat there, surrounded, taking stares from women that seemed like they caught me trying to chain poor Kellie to the stove. So there I was, stuck right in the middle of one of my biggest fears. I could tell them that I wasn't a jerk, but denying the accusation is hardly compelling enough to win anyone over, so I ran away. Now everyone thinks I'm an oppressor, but isn't that actually a little ridiculous? If I was being selfish, wouldn't I want my wife to dress like that? Lets face facts here, this is the best she's ever looked, so one would think I would relish the opportunity to have her flaunt a little more.

My real desires on the matter are that my wife do what she should for her sake, as well as being a good example to her family. Her sister is also a member of the church, but hasn't come in quite some time. I would be afraid that seeing Kellie dressed in a less modest fashion might encourage the notion that she isn't missing out on quite so much by not being more active in the gospel.

What makes this a story worth telling is how it has turned today. It is now the next week, Saturday. I am away at work, and Kellie is listening to General Conference. I had moved on from the matter and hadn't mentioned it again, but I suppose that she hadn't. I received a message from her earlier saying that the first talk she heard was about "remembering the covenants we have made." She then professed a strong manifestation of the Holy Spirit, and consented that she in fact would not dress inappropriately on our trip.

I find it hard to speak up a lot of the time for fear that my good intentions may not be picked up on. In the message she sent to me today, she said that I "won." She was joking, but all the same that really isn't what I was setting out to do. I just said what I thought the Lord would have wanted me to. Kellie has now made a choice to do what she should, and I couldn't be more happy about it or love her any more than I do right now. Of course, it doesn't hurt that looks so fantastic.

Merry-Go-Round

The Gall of bitterness sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it? Maybe I'm a terrible person because I seem to be there so often, or maybe I'm just too hard on myself. The way I feel about that expression actually helps me to not feel that bad about it.

I see my spirituality as cyclical, there are highs and lows. The trick is just to find ways of keeping the highs around longer & not letting the lows drop too low. I am doing better in this regard. When I think back to some of those low points in my first year or two in the church I can't help but shutter.

So I'm better, but by my own definition I still have that Gall of Bitterness, that low point in the cycle before things turn around. I had one of these low points when I was a missionary, and talked to my Mission President about it. We read from Alma 36 in the Book of Mormon about it together. Alma was caught up with "the pains of a damned soul". He then locked his mind on Christ and the atonement, and his joy became as exceedingly great as his pain had been.

It's probably my favourite story from the Book of Mormon simply because of how much I needed to hear it at the time, & how I still always look to it in particular.

So that's how we should all be getting back into the upswing of these cycles, but what is it that causes them in the first place? With the Nephites it was a repeating Catch 22 scenario where their righteousness gave them prosperity which brought about pride & their subsequent falls from grace. I think however, that my cycles are brought about primarily by starvation.

I used to teach seminary & I can assure you that those students had a default answer that always hit the jackpot: Go to Church, Read Your Scriptures, & Say Your Prayers. Start to fall short in these areas & trouble will be brewing.

I only get to attend Church once every three weeks so I'm already hobbling out of the gate. In that situation I feel precariously perched, and if I get sick on a day I'm supposed to go to church, or I let my reading or praying start to slip for whatever reason, then down I go.

I am happy to report that the highs last longer, and the lows are much shorter & much less severe these days.

At this moment I feel like I'm just passing the Gall, I'm chalk full of desire, and am now waiting for my efforts to yield their spiritual fruit. I'm looking forward to the upswing, and hoping that once I get there I'll be able to work hard at staying that way for a good long while.