Merry-Go-Round

The Gall of bitterness sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it? Maybe I'm a terrible person because I seem to be there so often, or maybe I'm just too hard on myself. The way I feel about that expression actually helps me to not feel that bad about it.

I see my spirituality as cyclical, there are highs and lows. The trick is just to find ways of keeping the highs around longer & not letting the lows drop too low. I am doing better in this regard. When I think back to some of those low points in my first year or two in the church I can't help but shutter.

So I'm better, but by my own definition I still have that Gall of Bitterness, that low point in the cycle before things turn around. I had one of these low points when I was a missionary, and talked to my Mission President about it. We read from Alma 36 in the Book of Mormon about it together. Alma was caught up with "the pains of a damned soul". He then locked his mind on Christ and the atonement, and his joy became as exceedingly great as his pain had been.

It's probably my favourite story from the Book of Mormon simply because of how much I needed to hear it at the time, & how I still always look to it in particular.

So that's how we should all be getting back into the upswing of these cycles, but what is it that causes them in the first place? With the Nephites it was a repeating Catch 22 scenario where their righteousness gave them prosperity which brought about pride & their subsequent falls from grace. I think however, that my cycles are brought about primarily by starvation.

I used to teach seminary & I can assure you that those students had a default answer that always hit the jackpot: Go to Church, Read Your Scriptures, & Say Your Prayers. Start to fall short in these areas & trouble will be brewing.

I only get to attend Church once every three weeks so I'm already hobbling out of the gate. In that situation I feel precariously perched, and if I get sick on a day I'm supposed to go to church, or I let my reading or praying start to slip for whatever reason, then down I go.

I am happy to report that the highs last longer, and the lows are much shorter & much less severe these days.

At this moment I feel like I'm just passing the Gall, I'm chalk full of desire, and am now waiting for my efforts to yield their spiritual fruit. I'm looking forward to the upswing, and hoping that once I get there I'll be able to work hard at staying that way for a good long while.